Surfing the waves of your toddler's big feelings
Almost every person who has ever parented a toddler has experienced times when their normally agreeable, happy child suddenly becomes enraged for seemingly no reason.
This usually happens because toddlers are learning the boundaries of behavior, and things that they previously found perfectly acceptable are now being challenged by adults. As children become more verbal, they begin to assert themselves with words, instead of by hitting, biting, or throwing things. This can be very frustrating to toddlers who are used to having their own way.
These big feelings are normal, but parents often worry that they have caused the tantrum by somehow not parenting correctly. It's just important for parents to realize that this is a normal stage in child development and it will pass in time.
In the meantime, here are some suggestions to help manage common big feelings in toddlers:
Accept It
In other words, don't accept abusive behavior from your child, but also make sure that you don't punish them for simply expressing their growing independence or need to test limits. You can say something like, "We use words to tell others how we feel instead of using our hands." Follow this up with something like, "I know it's hard when you can't do what you want! I'm so proud of you for trying!"
Praise Good Behavior
Children who receive regular praise for good behavior are more likely to repeat that behavior, while children who are constantly criticized for bad behavior are more likely to keep acting that way.
Give Time Outs Only When Appropriate
Time outs can be used as a way of letting your child know when their behavior is inappropriate and you will not tolerate it, but they should never be used simply as a punishment.
Time outs can also be more effective in the long run if viewed as a time to reflect. Helping our children understand when their bodies and hearts are not ready to interact with others and we need to let ourselves rest. This will help our children learn how to self-regulate, step away and make better choices not only at a young age but throughout their lives.
Modeling
When we as parents react inappropriately, it sends the message to our children that behavior is acceptable. If children believe that negative behavior is acceptable under certain conditions (e.g., if they don't get what they want), then even as adults, their impulse control and sense of boundaries may be seriously compromised. Take a moment to respond versus react and model the response that you would like to see in your child.
Use More Than Just "No"
Tantrums often happen when children are not getting the response that they want, so using more than just "no" can help redirect your child's attention. For example, you might say, "I understand that you want to play with the red truck. We need to put them away now because it's time to go. Maybe we can play with the red truck at home."
Respect Your Child's Emotions
Children who are taught that all feelings are okay, even emotions like anger or sadness, are more capable of processing those emotions and learning how to deal with them in a healthy way. Talking about big feelings is a great way to help children learn how to recognize and handle their emotions.
Make Time for Play and Leisure
Young children have a natural need to play and be creative. They also need downtime every day to process emotions and prepare for learning. Balance is extremely important for young children, and a lack of downtime can make it difficult for them to function throughout the day.
Show Understanding
Sometimes when your child is overwhelmed by big feelings (e.g., fear, anger), they don't actually need anything at that moment except for an understanding adult. You might say something like, "You seem really angry that you couldn't play with the red truck. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hurt me because you're angry."
Remember Your Child Is Learning
Even when your child is acting out, try to remember that they are exploring and learning new things every day. When parents remain calm in the face of big feelings, it can help their child learn to handle those feelings as well.
In conclusion, even as adults, we must deal with our own emotions and feel comfortable talking about those big feelings. If this is difficult for us as parents, imagine how hard it might be for our children.
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Teaching your child to become more aware of their body and their movements may support your child (and you) beyond meltdowns and big feelings. Here's a Free Mindfullness Preschool Tools-Printable made by Peake Academy Preschool at Home to help you as you surf through the waves of your child's big feelings.
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